Sometimes I Scream At Puppies

hey teacher can i be graded for being sexy because i would probably still fail this class nevermind

“i love johnlock fanfiction!” i tell the sherlock fandom. little do they know that i meant john locke fanfiction based off of the ideas of the early enlightenment philosopher. natural rights really turn me on 

people who draw your ocs

i feel so sorry for that mikhail gorbachev birthmark you have- oh sorry that’s just your face

yea i eat my daily dose of salad PASTA SALAD ITS ALL CARBS FROM HERE ON THE GRAIN TRAIN 

you have to pee but on the other side of the toilet is a family of four at a fancy restaurant and you don’t feel like taking off your pants in a situation like that

when i was younger i always thought the lyrics “tender and mild” from silent night were talking about spiced meat like this

“you got a blu-ray copy of that dvd? well i got a rachael-ray copy” *pulls out flat sheet of metal in the shape of rachael ray, there’s cryptic messages inscribed on it in italian reading don’t eat my leftovers i put my name on the box in sharpie you can’t be that stupid*

you whisper your darkest secrets into my ear but i only whisper back “ea games, challenge everything”

“this music rocks dude” my friend says. i grab multiple packs of pop rocks out of my sleeve and start pouring them into my mouth “no, this rocks!” pop rocks flood the entire room and we begin to drown “it’s like the fourth of july IN MY MOUTH”